I have a lot of things that bother me being overweight. I feel like it's stopping me from getting a job, not that I'm not qualified but I'm fat and not confident. I feel like people watch me, or judge me, especially when I go out in my yoga pants with my hair all a wreck. I want people to look at me for who I am, inside, not who I am on the outside.
I also fear that when I get to my healthy weight, I will still think of myself as fat and restrict myself more than I need to. Hell I'm so afraid now that I feel like I've become a slave to the scales. I know everybody has told me not to. But I've done that, and it got me to where I am now. I'd rather gain a pound or two and be able to nip it right then and there than to gain 10.
I'm also afraid of excess skin. I hope that my skin bounces back, but considering how many times I have gone up and down. I have a lot of fears. I want my life to be different. I want to be
At times I've wondered if something is wrong, I only gained 8-10lbs while I was pregnant and was 233 when I delivered, a little over a year ago. I've had my thyroid checked ,after suffering from deep depression, and it was fine. I've usually been able to maintain my weight, most of my life, but to pack on 50lbs in a year kinda scares me. I'm having to fight tooth and nail just to get that weight off, for good. I wish I could just get a big jump start on my diet, but I know there are no miracles, but a girl can dream. I want so deeply to be a success story.
Once again, I apologize for post being so disarray. I've always wrote as my mind flowed, and it rarely makes sense to others, but it is how I write. I realize I am mostly talking to myself anyway.
I am going to make some tea and log off for the night.
Beverlee
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